The Telegraph spoofs authors for James Bond novel
16-Jul-2007 • Literary
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From The Spy Who Loved Tea by Jilly Cooper:
"The name's Bond. James Bond," giggled James, hunkily.
"Golly!" whooped the simply gorgeous woman, her great big bountiful bosoms looking wonderfully springy beneath her hugely expensive Harvey Nichols ballgown, clean on that morning. "Talk about winning a Premium Bond!" While James Bond literally collapsed in hoots of laughter, the lady introduced herself. "In case you're wondering, Jamie, my name is Vesper Lynd, and I'm a double agent! Whoops! That's blown it! Me and my big mouth!" "Bubble agent, eh?" punned Bond, wiping away tears of merriment while moving his hands towards Vesper's urgent, tremendously aristocratic young chest. "Well, just look at those bubbles!"
Gosh, thought Vesper, James is just like my simply darling spaniel Mr Snooks, with those adorable big floppy ears of his, and those gorgeous hairy toes, and the way he sniffs all the time. "Oh bother!" she giggled, as he nuzzled up close to her. "I was sent to shoot you, James, but frankly I'd much rather leap into bed with you! Oh, Oh! S'Heaven!"
From Demands Are Forever by Neil Kinnock:
"The name is Bond," he said. "James Bond." Dr No stared back at him with icy contempt.
"By which I mean," continued Bond, "that my parents, that is to say my mother and my father, though not necessarily in that order, decided to have me christened by that name. The surname was, of course, obligatory, or mandatory, since it was the surname of my father, or male parent, but the christian name, that is to say 'James', was a matter of choice..." Dr No could not take much more of this. With one deft movement, he grabbed his pistol in the palm of his claw and pulled back the trigger.
"Furthermore..."continued James. "Earlier in our conversation when I made the statement, or assertion, that my name was, and I quote, 'Bond - James Bond', I did not mean to suggest, or imply, or otherwise infer, that my first name was Bond, my middle name James, and my third name Bond but rather, or on the other hand, what I intended, or meant, to say was that my first name is James, and my second name Bond, and that - Hello? Hello?" But no word came back. Over the past 10 minutes, Dr No had been frantically employing his claw to pinch himself awake, but to no avail. He was fast asleep.
From A Boo-Hoo to A Kill by Fergal Keane:
"Before I kill you," rasped Bond, his hands clenched firmly around the assassin's neck, "tell me who the hell sent you." "SMERSH!" choked the assassin.
"SMERSH?" said Bond. "What the devil does that stand for?" "Soppy Memories Emerging Randomly Smothered in Hogwash." "What do they mean by that?" barked Bond.
"When I was little more than a kid, my dear old grandfather, the twinkle dying in his corn-blue eye, grasped me to his bosom and he said to me, 'Lad, as the dew sits heavy on the grass, so my heart sits heavy in my stomach, for I am not long for this world'. And so, like a wisp of smoke on a winter's day, the old man breathed his last. The blossom of my hopes swiftly faded as I dug out his grave using only my Matchbox digger, for I was now an orphan..." Bond unloosed his grip. "You poor, poor man," he said, removing his neat white pocket handkerchief and passing it to him. "Come on, now. Big blow.
"All better! Give us a hug, Smershy! Now let's make up and be friendly!"
From Moanraker by Germaine Greer:
"The name's Bo..." "Frankly, I couldn't give a damn what your bloody name is! Do I look as if I care? Do I?! It's high time you stopped going on about that name of yours! As if I'm interested, for pity's sake! I've had it up to here!" snapped Elektra Kettle, intelligently.
"I was just going to say that the name's B..."
"Haven't you ever heard of keeping your mouth shut, you utter nuisance!" said Elektra, with a scholarly sigh. Why was it that everyone she ever encountered was so determined to do all the bloody talking? After all, she knew far more than they did, but she didn't go on and on and on about it, for pity's sake.
"The name's..."
And with that she shot him dead.
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